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This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 3:21 am
by PeterODonnell
This happened 2

is the authorized source of unauthorized news and views from Free Dominion. While Peter O'Donnell is the main disseminator of this illegal unauthorized news (ten to twenty years in maple leaf gulag awaits) you can be a correspondent. Here's how it works. Report news in the style that I do (or ten to twenty years in my bad books awaits). You just make things up but it's still more true than the official "real" news. Read on. You'll get the drift.

TUESDAY, February 4th, 2020.

Trump impeachment reaches critical stage

Fifty seven million Americans today criticized the impeachment trial of Donald Trump. Thirty-seven million said it was a farce and twenty million said it was not enough punishment.

They will all get a chance to do the same complicated mating ritual in November.

The President for his part, in a nine-part tweet, said "I did nothing wrong. And if I did, it was nothing much. And if it was, it was nothing I regret. And if it was, I have a good divorce lawyer. I can get divorced from America too. There is one thing I want to say to my critics but I will wait until my huge landslide victory rally to say that one thing, which is come a little closer kiss my derriere, that's French for ass.

Congressman Needler, Majority Bleeder Pal-lousy, and that Stiff guy who seems to be elected to some kind of position, all had this to say ... we tried. We fought the battle that nobody else could see coming. We fought for the right of Hunter Biden to make tons of money at the expense of Ukraine's taxpayers, whoever they may be, probably Nazis for all we know. This was the fight of our generation. Somehow we missed that Obama was a communist dupe, Islamist spy, traitor and narcissist. We don't know how we missed that, I mean, even intellects as dim as ours could theoretically have noticed it.

The impeachment farce (a legal term for process) will end at some point soon. Three days of national celebration are planned.

Canadian government to manage news entirely, you will know what to think

Jimmy Kantrustmie, the commissioner of the Canadian Official This is Really News Agency announced today that the final details are being worked out from a reading of 1984 and portions of the Gulag Archipelago, and within days the nation will finally have the long-awaited Oversight Committee for Reliable News that will put rogue broadcasters and fly by night operations like free speech out of business permanently.

The Prime Minister himself is said to be heavily invested in this project, which his father (the biological one, beard being the clue) suggested to him before his death. "To be a successful communist dictator, you have to manage the news, my son," he told the young and impressionable Justin between blackface parties. "Don't let just any Tom, Dick or Ezra say what's on their mind, that's for you and your minions."

So this is the product of a lifelong dream to be a player in the world of international communism, having news that the Party can control, monitor, and correct when it's faulty (as in approval ratings below 89%). Kantrustmie told a somewhat skeptical journalist that "people want this, people need this, and people deserve this -- you can't trust half the things you hear on the news, especially social media where actual people are involved, and not professional information dispensers like yourself, and by the way, did you get much use out of that six million we gave you as a bribe last year, the Cabinet send their regards and remind you we know where Tommy and Laura go to school, that nice exclusive private school, and you wouldn't want to lose all that would you?"

I am running to make things better for working Canadians

said a bunch of people who will battle Peter Mackay for the CPC leadership, and instead are planning to suck up to the globalist left, endorse their stupid carbon tax policy, and in various other ways make life worse for working Canadians.

Mackay himself told TH2 "If I can't beat this band of losers, there is no way I can beat Justin or the real PM Freeland, or even that guy with the turban. By the way, I am very very socially liberal, no stinking albatross, just the faint aftersmell of cod."

Greta Thunberg issues new warning

Swedish climate nag and scold Greta Thunberg has a new warning for adults and people with the effrontery to work for a living. "It is now only three years until it is five years until it's two years, that is how bad the climate crisis has become, it's not just an emergency, it's a cataclysm and some other words we only have in Swedish like langenstruberhickenbooten."

"That is what killed off the Vikings and will kill us all, Gaia help us, the polar bears are angry, they are swarming south in search of human flesh in retribution, and Sweden is their first stop, I am scared yet angry myself, defiant in fact, and will sacrifice myself to them as a sign that you have failed, how dare you, you have wrecked our lives and "

then she woke up and the meds kicked in.

Chiefs win Super Bowl, Skanks win Half Time

The Kansas City Chiefs did it again -- lulled the opponent into a false sense of security then whammo, Superboy woke up and completed 29 straight passes for 16 touchdowns and 18 field goals and they beat the Fag City All Stars 418-20 in a victory that pleased everybody except for America's three hundred liberal football fans.

Meanwhile, in the half time contest, skanks defeated decent people thirty minutes to zero, and walked off fully victorious although largely naked.

Your daily forecast

Some weather in spells, a bit of this and a lot of that. All of it will tend to prove the reality of climate change and allow us to say as good journalists, "now there can no longer be any doubt about climate change, it's real and it's not going away."

BC Government to meddle more in Alberta economy, gives Muntz treatment to stranded skiers

Premier John Horgan gave a wide-ranging press conference in which he promised to meddle more in the economy of Alberta and expand that growing government initiative to Saskatchewan and "possibly also Yukon," although he would need to look into whether Yukon had an economy first.

Also, when asked if the government would help out financially with the high costs of a recent airlift of stranded skiers from a BC ski resort cut off by mudslides, Horgan said, "What do you think we're made of money? Ask me if some dippers get into trouble, for those rich ski dudes, they are all out in the Fraser valley which votes Liberal, so what do I care?"

The ski resort owners said in a telephone interview with TH2, "Hey, we were prepared, although we never thought that the Avalanche Creek forestry road would get washed out, especially down around Torrential Rainstorm Lake. I mean, you wouldn't expect that with a big warm ocean just off to our west and all these high mountains forcing the air to drop all of its moisture right around here."

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 3:44 am
by PeterODonnell
Breaking News -- Truman loses Iowa

The results are not in, but that has not prevented various Democrats from claiming victory in the Iowa thingies.

"I am not surprised to be a winner," said Pete Buttgig, "caucus is word I can relate to."

"I am probably the winner," averred Communist Bernie Sanders, "but in any case, I rely more on tanks than votes to achieve power, so what do I care?"

"Looks like I probably won again," said Hillary Clinton, who was not on any ballot, "and the doctors say that if I stay with the program, I may one day be almost cured."

"There is going to be trouble from my Cherokee brothers and sisters," threatened Liz Warren, who didn't know how she was doing in the race. "I never know about races," she said, "have a beer, it'll all work out, either we'll pay for health care or you will, who cares right?"

The reaction of former Vice-President Joe Biden, when asked for a statement, was "Umm, geez, Iowa? Damn, I knew there was some place I was supposed to be tonight. Whaddya know? Hunter, can you charter me a jet, I have to get to, where is it? Ohio?"

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 12:37 pm
by Duane Berke
Re: Half time show. Shakira is 43 years old. J-Lo is 50. Not too shabby at all. :)

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Wed Feb 05, 2020 4:19 am
by PeterODonnell
Oval baloneyvirus spreads amidst fears of a day in bed

Authorities in Puke-gut province of central China say "everyone sick here, go away foreign devils."

The Oval Baloneyvirus has now spread to 24 billion cases including dogs, cats and pandas. Symptoms include making sense of global warming, a desire to watch the Home Renovation Network, and kindness to teenagers.

The first reported cases in Canada include a family recently returned from reality, and a guy who was on that plane.

Canadian health authorities say there is nothing to be worried about, and they would be glad to answer further questions next week from the Special Isolation Unit where they planned to spend March, April and May.

Trump rips them a new one

President and adult in the room Donald J. Trump visited the House of Ill repute to deliver his annual State of the Disunion address. He said that don't look now but everything is fine and you are nuts. The reaction of House Majority Squeaker Pal-lousy was to rip up the evidence. "I am not looking through that telescope," she told reporters. "I only wish Bernie and Alex O-C were here to help me rip the thing apart because my hands were trembling with a mixture of angst and concern."

Leading communist youth Alex Occasionally-Conscious skipped the speech to be with her advisors in Caracas. "There is a lot of work to do before we can stand with our comrades here in Venezuela and say that everyone is equally screwed," she explained. "But I believe that Bernie Sanders can get us about halfway there, allowing me to finish off the nation, I mean the project."

She meant the nation.

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2020 3:31 am
by PeterODonnell
Democrats down to three possible big losers to Trump

In the race to become the 2020 version of Walter Mondale or Michael Dukakis, there are only three men left standing, and one is standing so far left that he may not get back inside for quite a while.

Let's review the chances of these three men.

Joe Biden. Affable, well I think I missed one letter there, and attractive to black voters (hey here's a mark boys), Biden can probably count on the support of disorganized labour and academics. So there's five hundred votes. He only needs 70 million to win. He may forget to show up, at his advanced age (estimated by carbon dating to be 5,700 years plus or minus 30) he may have problems concentrating on basic tasks. I am about the same age and, well after I get a snack from the fridge I will say more about this, perhaps. Or maybe not.

Oh yeah, also there is Comrade Bernie Sanders. Bernie is so far to the left even Soros and Clinton are concerned. His chances of not committing suicide are thought to be very low, especially by people familiar with the views of the Clinton family.

Finally, there is trillionaire Mike Bloomberg. People like to irritate him by not mentioning that he is actually running for president. He had the idea that if he spent three hundred million bucks on slick ads, he might buy the presidency. But that seems to be a forlorn hope since most people figure, if you're going to have a New York billionaire as president, why not have one who has a clue? And such a person already exists. Perhaps you have heard of Donald J. Trump, the impeachable one.

China Virus spreads remorselessly through the world

The China virus has become a big concern for people around the world. Symptoms include driving without attention to traffic signals, working twelve hours a day, and being polite to idiots until you snap and yell insults at them.

Officials say about half of Canadians now have the China virus, either the main form of it, or a new form, where you remain non-Chinese but force your kids to study and you act like there are no other people in line at Starbucks. This new and more dangerous form is more likely to lead to bankruptcy for Tim Hortons and Canadian Tire, which are said to be highly resistant to the China virus and so unable to adapt to it in the environment.

Hereditary elders wreck economy just for kicks, now it's bowling night

Oh those wacky hereditary elders, one moment it's a blockade and a chant around a fire only they can see, the next night it's bowling and then maybe a bit of high stakes poker.

Having wrecked the economy, the elders now plan to move on to bigger and more important projects. One of these will be to rename every town in British Columbia something that nobody can possibly pronounce. White people did okay with that project (Osoyoos comes to mind) but elders have a few tricks up their sleeves, or should I say, h'aV3 'A futrix U'pthei Rsle'e''v"*e^s). Good luck finding your way around, of course, since there's no economy, you won't need to be going much further than the welfare office.

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Tue Mar 10, 2020 12:19 am
by Connie Fournier
I love this thread! LOL!

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 3:25 am
by PeterODonnell
Tom Hanks sneezed, bring out your dead

Concern and a sense of near panic spread rapidly around the world upon the news that Tom Hanks sneezed and his wife has a sniffle. "We're all going to die," said the president of Italy, for the seventh time today. "This is like Vesuvius only worse, maybe so bad that well I just can't say more."

Professional basketball is the latest victim of the virus thingamajig, with people over seven feet tall sneezing which doubles the spread of the disease. At that height above the ground, strong winds known as the "jet stream" can spread the germs to many other people, countries, and time zones. This is all made worse by climate change, which is made worse by male chauvinism and so a perfect storm of flu, bad weather and men acting badly threatens the doom of humanity. Greta Thunberg is in seclusion, fearing she has even less than twelve years.

Did I mention Tom Hanks and the sneeze? Good, I thought perhaps I was losing it there for a second.

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER -- Unlike the news you are used to hearing, we actually admit we are making all this up.

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 3:27 am
by PeterODonnell
"Nobody told me that forcing women to have sex was rape" claims famous guy

No actual content is required for this one.

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 11:31 am
by Duane Berke
With the NBA postponing play we have to wonder about the NHL. Another thing to keep in mind is this is an Olympic Games summer in Tokyo. People will be booking flights and rooms right now.

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Thu Mar 12, 2020 8:53 pm
by PeterODonnell
Things will be back to normal by about May, June at the latest. I imagine they won't decide about the Tokyo Olympics until maybe May 15th. Touch or go on that. NHL already cancelled, so is March madness, and pro golf playing without fans allowed into the courses for at least a month (if they don't cancel).

Oops,, you made me say something serious. My bad.

Re: This Happened 2 (unauthorized news and views)

Posted: Thu Apr 02, 2020 7:23 pm
by PeterODonnell
Bat world to remain closed

The owners of Bat World, a popular tourist attraction in Wuhan, China, have announced they plan to remain closed for a few more months. "This not good time for people come see bats," explained an official. Also staying closed for the time being, the Museum of Chinese Medical Exploits.